Dependent Origination

Anger Management

Posted on: September 15, 2011

前面几个月又有很让人生气的事情发生。而且是连续剧。气得我半死。本来以为我的frustration已经subside了,才发了一个email给朋友们,解释一下,结果几乎每个收到信的女朋友都回信安慰我,可见我的die-down frustration还有多少。但是危机同时也是转机,借此因缘,我发现了一个对质anger的方法。其实我并不知道这是不是一个方法甚至,有时候我甚至会兴奋的想,要是再有一次这么愤怒的机会就好了,我就可以看看这个方法能不能产生repeatable的结果。of course, you have to be careful about what you wish and i definitely don’t want to be this angry any more.

具体的经过是这个样子的。我很angry。你知道anger来的时候,仿佛有自己的生命,它会控制你的情绪,让其始终亢奋;它充斥你的思想,一遍遍的重复一些煽动性的画面或者言辞,然后自己feed on it;它仿佛盘踞的巨蟒一点点的抽紧你的身体,直到被他全部吞噬。我很愤怒,直接的表象就是有一天晚上我虽然闭着眼睛打算睡觉,但是其实和anger斗争了一个晚上。It is horrible experience since i was fully aware that anger wanted to take me to a dark place and i fear for it。我不断的告诉自己you should not be angry. Anger is bad for you. 但是anger has a life of its own and it won’t listen to me. 虽然我的身体一动都没有动,但是却在脑子里面进行了一整晚的斗争,我自己(well hard to say who am i at this point)仿佛拿了一个榔头,用尽全身力气砸在anger头上,但是没有几秒钟,anger就会从地上反弹。到快天亮的时候,我终于睡着了,完全是因为一个晚上的mental war, 因为疲劳睡着的。

不用说这样子战斗之后的白天也很难过。累是主要原因,还好白天的anger要好消灭一些,仿佛他们也知道养家糊口的事情要更重要些。这样的一个晚上之后,过了几天,晚上睡觉的时候anger又杀了回来。但是几天的deprived sleep弄得我精疲力竭,看到anger仿佛一个人,又来邀请我一起去玩。但是我实在没力气了,就和它说I accept your existence but I am not going to where you want me to go. You can hang out and play by yourself, as long as you want. 说时迟听时块,anger好像被我的念头一弹,当时就变成了空气,烟消云散。从此没有再回来。

我一觉睡好醒来,觉得非常神奇。一定要记下来。希望将来能有所解。

4 Responses to "Anger Management"

yes, acceptance is the 1st step to “let go”.

btw: It is very brave of you to write all these down🙂

唉我这阵子也很纠结。不过真的是,养家糊口的事一出来,心里的小疙瘩就自动往后放一放,让我发现活到这个年纪,我好像是第一次为了没有闲功夫而高兴。

你有没有看过 eat, lover and pray 呀?你说的这个方法跟 Elizabeth Gilbert 写的有些地方挺像的。我是听的 CD, 作者读的挺好听的。虽然是本作(1声)女的书, 但是语言挺优美流畅的。

nope i haven’t. theoretically speaking acceptance is important in terms of emotional growth. but i was mostly referring to the fact that (1) i was aware of the growth of anger (2) the anger felt like a separate me (3) the more i fight it (with full awareness, with the concrete anger itself) it grows more (4) the moment i accept its existence, it is gone, like vapor. these are a lot more deeper experiences than what most self-help books are referring to. but i did not read much about self-help anyway. i saw similar mentioning and exercises in psycho analysis and “healing” literature, after my own experience since my interest is greatly pique’d by this. it is a fancy world there. and maybe i can even figure out something how to help my mom!

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